Just Take Something

I haven't blogged in a very (very!) long time. But with the weather changes and the way I've been feeling, I think it would be completely beneficial and therapeutic for me to do so. Tonight I found this article that is worth a read.

Just Take Something

I'll be posting more soon ...

A "Bit" About Me

Get it - "bit" - "bit by a tick?" Hmm ... okay, I'm not going to try and be funny right now. Because it's obviously not working :)

I was born. I lived a life. And then the diagnoses started coming. Still living a life. And trying to find JOY in the midst of my trials. Here's a little "bit" about me ...

I was always a happy, positive, outgoing, active kid. I remember, as a teenager, people always telling me, "I wish I had as much energy as you!" In high school and college, I was known as the "social butterfly." I was involved. I was a cheerleader in high school, a National Officer for FCCLA, a member of Student Council. In college, I got involved in choirs and in 1998-99, I was a singer/dancer for a group called Showtime Company at Ricks College in Idaho. I always loved to be busy, involved and active.

I was in the prime of my life. 20 years old and doing what I loved to do more than anything else. In the summer of 1999, while on a tour with Showtime to the Southern United States, our group did some volunteer service work where we helped a farmer clean his fields after a devastating tornado had hit. I remember lots of people finding ticks on them afterward. And we all laughed and joked about it at the time. I never found a tick on me, so I thought that I was one of the "lucky" ones.

Not too long after the tour, I came down with a horrible flu-like virus that landed me in the hospital. I didn't think much of it at the time, just chalking it up to a sickness that college kids get.

But then the foot pain started. That was the first time I really started seeing doctors. A lot. None of them knew why my foot was in so much pain. I had one doctor put me in a "boot" and had me on crutches. For SIX months! (I had really buff arms by the end of that summer!) My foot, however, went from a tiny bit of pain in my heels, to excruciating, "I can't walk on this," swollen and inflammed, red, puffy, huge "sausage toes."

I had to drop out of school for the semester as my health continued to get worse. That fall (1999), my mom's friend recommended a doctor that she knew in Winnemucca, Nevada, who had treated her for Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophe (RSV). At that point, my mom and I were desperate to know what was going on and were willing to make the long drive to Nevada.

That doctor (I wish I could remember his name), was the first one to start me out on the correct path of knowing "what was wrong with me." He told me that I had arthritis.

Hmm ... arthritis? In a 20 year old? I thought that's what 75 year old ladies with crooked fingers had. What did it mean for me?

Well - what it meant was two more years of doctors and tests and pain (that kept spreading to different joints throughout my body) before I finally was diagnosed with the right kind of arthritis and started on some treatment that actually (FINALLY! GASP!) alleviated some of my pain.

In 2000, I had made the decision to serve as a missionary for my church. Most times girls are asked to serve for 18 months. But, while I was serving, in Hawaii, my body started to completely deteriorate. It got so bad that I couldn't even get dressed or eat without the help of my missionary companion. I was SO willing to do the work. I WANTED to work hard!!! I WANTED to be active!! But my body was not able. Since I couldn't follow the vigorous routines, I came home early. Those were hard, dark months for me. I lived in a tiny town in the middle of Idaho and felt completely isolated and alone. All I could do was lay on the couch. My mom would fix my meals and even feed me, at times. She'd rub my feet. She took care of me. I remember thinking in those days, "I'll never be able to get married! Or have kids! Or lead a 'normal' life!" I fell into a deep depression. One morning, in particular, I will never forget. I had been sleeping in my mom's bedroom (because I couldn't walk up the stairs to get to my own). It was Easter Sunday and my mom had gone to church early to do something. I remember waking up and having to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was RIGHT across the hall from the bedroom. Probably only 20 feet or so away from the bed. I tried to get up and walk, but I couldn't stand on my feet. So, having fallen to the floor, I tried to pull myself in a crawl, towards the bathroom, but my arms were in so much pain that I couldn't do that either. I just laid on the ground there, in a pathetic heap, and cried. And prayed. My mom came home right after that, miraculously, and was able to help me.

These are times that were so hard for me that I've mentally blocked a lot of those days out of my memory.

In 2001, I started seeing a doctor 2 hours away in Nampa, Idaho. After having tried MULTIPLE Rheumatoid Arthritis drugs (including the steroid prednisone, which had awful side affects; and the chemotherapy drug Methotrexate, which made me lose some hair and throw up a lot) she put me on a drug, that was quite new at the time, called Enbrel. It was an injection that I would give myself two times a day. Imagine my shock and surprise when this new drug started WORKING!! Within a few months, I was feeling (almost) back to my old self!!

I started to see a light at the end of a tunnel that had been very long and winding. I felt good enough to try and go back to college. I applied, and was accepted, to Southern Virginia University.

The next few years (9 years, to be exact) have had their ups and downs. I've remained on the Enbrel, giving myself weekly injections for these last nine years. I've seemed to live a fairly "normal" life - and those who do not know of my health struggles and my past will likely not even know that I am chronically sick.

I've been able to marry (the most amazing and supportive man in the world!) and although we haven't been able to get pregnant (chalk infertility up to this too), we have had the most blessed opportunity of adopting a perfect little baby boy. We are happy. And we are blessed.

But recently, I've been thinking and pondering our situation. A lot. I feel like over the past few months, my mind has been opened and for the first time since I was bitten by that tick so long ago, things are starting to fall into place, have a timeline and make sense.

In 2007, I had a doctor say to me, "Have you ever heard of Lyme Disease?" I had heard of it but was absolutely clueless as to what it was. After taking my medical history, he decided to do a blood test to check and see if I had it. Imagine my surprise when it came back POSITIVE!! LYME DISEASE?! What the heck IS that?!!

Well, I have definitely been learning what it is. Because my Lyme wasn't diagnosed until YEARS after I was initially bitten by a tick, it was classified as Late Stage Lyme Disease. And by that time, it had had the opportunity to "do it's damage" and wreak havoc on my body.

Here are just SOME of the health issues I've been diagnosed with that stem back to Lyme:

Arthritis

Fibromyalgia

Infertility and Hormonal Imbalances

Migraines

Hypothyroidism

Insomnia

Depression

Some days are definitely harder than others. But our little family finds a way to "make do." We know what works for us. I am blessed to have such a good marriage and a spouse who is really loving and supportive.

People do tend to judge us, even when I know they don't mean to. Because I am so sick, my husband doesn't feel like he's able to work a full time job. There are many (if not most) days that I feel so bad I can't get out of bed for much more than a couple of hours at a time. So my husband has taken on the responsibility of being a full time dad. We're blessed financially, and so this works for us. But others, on the outside looking in, don't seem to understand our situation. Because my sicknesses are "silent diseases," people don't even know that I'm sick. They "SEE" a healthy person. Every time I run into an old friend or meet someone new, they ask, "What is your husband doing these days?" Neither my husband nor I are completely comfortable in explaining our situation. We know that we need to get over it. I need to let myself be more open in telling others about how serious my sicknesses are and how much I NEED my husband at home.

Another thing that has become clear to me in the past months is my responsibility to share my struggles with others. I feel that one reason I have been given these trials of health in my life is to help other people. I know how alone I felt in the initial months of being diagnosed. And if I can help even one person to know that they're not alone in what they're going through, then I feel like I will have succeeded in life and that my own suffering is not in vain.

Now. I'm off to a lunch date with a dear friend. And I need to use one of my "spoons" to get ready. So I'll conclude for now. I'm sure there are many mistakes as I'm not going to proofread this before I publish it. So bear with me. I'll go back and correct those later. :)

Love, Health, and Happiness to you all!!

Learning How to Encourage and Help Someone Living With a Chronic Condition

I Never Know

What to Say or Do!

Learning How to Encourage and Help

Someone Living With a Chronic Condition

Copyright © 2004 The Invisible Disabilities Advocate

www.InvisibleDisabilities.org

Have you ever wanted to encourage someone living with a chronic illness, but it seems like you never know what to say? Moreover, when you finally think of something you just know will make them smile, do they snap back at you with frustration?

Well, you are not alone. Because we truly want to help our friend or family member with a chronic condition, we often try to think of just the right words we can say to make all of the pain vanish from their life. If we can just “fix it” then we will not have to see them suffer anymore. Unfortunately, when we do try to come up with a quick answer, we often end up saying something that seems to irritate or offend our loved one.

It is difficult to understand why they got upset, because to us what we had to say should have been helpful. Nonetheless, if we could simply jump into the life of our loved one, then we would see why our well-meaning comments were not so well-received. Often, it is our intention to help them “see the bright side” of their situation, so they can realize it is “not that bad.” The problem is that we have then failed to acknowledge their battle isvery real and we have gone on to minimize its impact.

Sometimes we even try to point out another person who is “worse off” or try to relate by saying, “Ya, I am tired too.” Often, we disregard their limitations by attempting to talk them into doing what they know they cannot or should not do. Because we forget how anguishing it is to be ill and laid up, sometimes we even try to tell them “how lucky” they are to not have to work or clean their house.

What’s more, we cannot resist acting as if solving the problem is so simple when we exclaim, “why can’t you just take this or do that?” Likewise, we want so badly for them to be feeling better, that we refuse to hear the truth and do not allow them to be open and honest with us about what they are going through.

Besides not knowing what to say, we often do not know what to do. We often wish we could do something to help, but do not even know where to start. Our own lives can be so overwhelming and busy that we could never fathom having the time to run errands, do chores and help clean someone else’s home too!

Nevertheless, what we fail to realize is that what might seem like an insignificant effort to us, may save our loved one an entire day or even week’s worth of energy. For example, we can pick up a few things at the store while we are already there and take out the trash when we drop them off. We can drop them by some fresh flowers, deliver a meal, bring over a video to share or pick up their dry cleaning. None of these takes much ofour time, but it can make a world of difference to them!

In all, we can never fully comprehend what it is like to have a chronic condition, with all of the loss and pain it poses. Yet, we know we would not want to feel this way ourselves, so surely we can see what courage our loved one displays! We can even try to remember what it is like to have to put our lives on hold for even just a few days and tell our loved ones how amazed we are at their strength and perseverance!

People living with chronic illness/pain would never choose to willingly give up activities they used to enjoy! In fact, they would do just about anything to get their lives back! Therefore, we can rest assured, knowing they will keep fighting, researching andpursuing ways to regain their lives or at least prevent further progression of the disease.

Yes, acknowledging what is happening to a loved one means having to deal with all of its pain, mourning and changes, but do not sell yourself short! After all, if they are forcedto live with it, we can certainly choose to live next to it!

But You LOOK Good!

I am SO grateful to have found this article today!! It's as though someone took my exact thoughts and put them into words - especially the last paragraph. It's what I'm always trying to explain to people, but something that they rarely "get." Thank you, writers of this article!!! :)

But They LOOK So Good!

The Paradox of Looking Good, but Feeling Bad

Copyright © 2004 The Invisible Disabilities Advocate

www.InvisibleDisabilities.org

Surprisingly, "More than 125 million Americans have at least one chronic condition and 60 million have more than one condition" (Partnership for Solutions). An illness or injury is considered chronic, when it lasts a year or longer, limits activity and may require ongoing care.

Not everyone with a chronic condition has the same symptoms or degree of symptoms.Some have mild complications and with a little adjustment in their diets or schedules, they can lead a pretty “normal” life. Some have to make bigger changes, sacrificing various activities or their work situations in order to contend with their conditions. Othersbecome so ill they are unable to work at all and struggle just to meet life’s daily needs.

Just about every one of us has experienced being so sick we had to stay home from work or school, because we were too sick to go. We hate being sick, because the time ticks by, the work piles up and we cannot do anything about it. We gripe and moan that we “don’t have time to be sick!” even for just a day. It is just plain miserable to be sick, in pain and debilitated - nobody enjoys it.

Often when we come across someone who says they have been sick and in pain for a long time, we might think they are either exaggerating or they are not doing something about it. After all, when we got sick, we got some rest, took some medication and were soon back on our feet. Moreover, when we were sick, we were pale and droopy, but they often look “perfectly normal.”

The truth is, most chronic conditions cannot be seen with the naked eye, but nevertheless are persistently keeping the person from enjoying life the way they once knew. For instance, a person can battle extreme fatigue and/or cognitive impairments on the inside, even though they may appear healthy and well on the outside. Just the same, a person can have horrible pain and/or dizziness, despite the fact that to the onlooker they may look strong and able.

The biggest grievance those with chronic conditions have is that their loved ones often do not believe what they are going through is real, because to others they “look good.” Sadly, this makes the person feel as if they are being called a liar or a wimp. This can cause great strains on relationships between friends, family members and spouses. Ironically, those with chronic conditions would like nothing more than to gain complete control of their lives and not have to adjust to any limitations at all! Nonetheless, their bodies do not always cooperate with their desires, no matter how much they want it to.

Regrettably, a travesty occurs when the person not only has to contend with no longer being able to do what they love to do, but also has to battle for their loved one's belief, respect and understanding. While the person with the illness/pain is mourning their loss of ability and freedom, others often accuse them of just being lazy or malingering.

We must resist the temptation to make a visual diagnosis by coming to the conclusion that our loved one must be embellishing their situation or trying to pull the wool over our eyes, because to us they “look fine.” After all, when we rebut what they are telling us with, "But you LOOK good," our friend really hears, "But, I don’t believe you, because I can’t see it."

Frankly, it is impossible for us to be compassionate, until we have acknowledged there is a situation for which to be compassionate! In other words, how can we say, “I amsorry you are sick,” when we are always saying, “I do not believe you are sick, because you don’t look sick?”

People living with chronic conditions do not want to give up! They make efforts to laugh, smile, look their best and enjoy life, even though they know they will pay dearly for it. Because of this, we should not confuse their endeavors to live life and be positive, with assuming they are feeling well or doing better. Instead, let us commend them for their incredible courage, perseverance and persistence that make their illnesses and injuriesseem invisible to us.

Lyme Disease Crash Course - Everything You Need to Know in 5 Minutes

I want to raise awareness of this. I feel like I NEED to raise awareness. I am one of those people who never even knew I was bitten by a tick and never had the "tell tale bullseye rash." Doctors suspect I had the disease for close to 10 years before I tested positive and was diagnosed. Most, if not all, of my health issues stem from this. WE NEED TO RAISE AWARENESS!!

Lyme disease gets its name from the town of Lyme, Connecticut, where the illness was first identified in the United States in 1975.

Lyme is caused by a corkscrew-shaped bacterium, or spirochete, called Borrelia burgdorferi. Ticks infected with the bacterium spread the disease to humans.

*This was me. I didn't even know I was bitten by a tick. I never got the "bulls-eye rash." No doctor ever thought to test me for the disease since I lived in Idaho and Utah (even though I had traveled to the east and south quite a bit). I knew I had health problems, but I NEVER would have suspected Lyme Disease. Not until I had a doctor "just check" for it a couple of years ago. And lo and behold the blood test came back positive. It had sat in my system for years.

*These symptoms, if caught early, can be erradicated. However, if the disease lays in your system for years (like mine did) without being diagnosed, they can wreak complete and utter havoc on your body. Some "issues" of mine that can most likely be traced back to Lyme Disease are Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and Infertility. There are 72 things listed here and I have had 51 of them happen to me since doctors think I was bitten by a tick in 1999. (I wasn't tested positive and diagnosed until 2007 - that's a span of 8 years that it sat in my body just wreaking havoc!) Before I was bitten, I only had experienced 5 things on this list!! There's a huge difference between 5 and 51! That right there tells you how crazy the effects of a tiny little tick can be on a human body!!

Lyme disease is a rapidly emerging infectious disease. Since it was first recognized in the United States in 1975, reports of Lyme disease have increased substantially. Factors contributing to the rise in Lyme disease in humans is a thriving tick population and the expansion of suburbs into formerly wooded areas, which increases people's exposure to infected ticks.

The tick has a 2-year life cycle, and can infect you in any of its life stages-- larvae, nymph, and adult. In the tick's larvae stage, it is tan, the size of a pinhead, and feeds on small animals like mice. During the nymph stage, the tick is the size of a poppy seed, beige or partially transparent, and feeds on larger animals such as cats, dogs, and humans. Adult ticks are black and/or reddish and feed on large mammals such as deer, dogs, and humans.

Tick appearance/size

*I put this image on here because you can be bitten by a larva and get Lyme Disease. It's not always the adult - the kind of tick that you typically SEE on you.

More than 20,000 cases of Lyme were reported in the United States in 2006. However, because of considerable under-reporting and misdiagnosis, the Centers for Disease Control along with many Lyme disease experts speculate that the actual number of cases is at least 10 times higher--Making Lyme disease more prevalent than both West Nile Virus and HIV/AIDS.

The Green Eyed Monster (from the Fertility Resilience blog)

http://fertilityresilience.blogspot.com/2010/04/slaying-myth-of-green-eyed-monster.html

Blessedly, I don't feel this way any more. But I will admit that, once upon a time, I did have a case of "pregnancy envy." I'm not sure what made it go away. Perhaps it was adopting our perfect little boy. Maybe it was coming closer to Heavenly Father. I'm not saying that I don't occassionaly fall back into this mode of thinking, however. And I'm going to post this anyway in hopes that it may help some of my other dear and beautiful friends who are struggling with infertility. You are NOT alone!!

"Anonymous" commented on my post about spring. She mentioned that “as jackets and bulky winter clothes are shed, fertile bellies are much more visible” and she’s right, of course. But what caught my attention was this: “it seems every other woman is pregnant. If I were a better person, I'd feel happy for them and less sorry for myself “. It made me think of infertility, envy and the one thing that I wish I could totally obliterate with my magic wand: women’s shame over their own invidiousness.

Because what is envy, if not an inner cry of “she has something I desperately want”? It is like an emotional cramp that painfully reminds you of your own lack and deprivation. So, if you are trying to build your dream family, of course you are envious of the women who have achieved that dream; of course you are resentful of the pregnant-bellied; and of course you are feeling sad for yourself. In the many years I’ve worked with adoption, loss and infertility, I have not met a woman who, in her heart of hearts, didn’t harbor envy, rancor or bitterness.

Many women don’t admit to these feelings easily. We are taught that envy is an ugly feeling, a shameful weakness, even a deadly sin. But let’s challenge this concept. After all, envy, like sadness, like surprise, is just an emotion. And it often descends upon us uninvited, just like sadness and surprise do. We can’t inoculate against it anymore than we can inoculate against feeling blue or startled. It’s there and it’s part of our wonderful human complexity. The green-eyed monster is not that monstrous after all.

True, feeling envious is usually not pleasant and the thoughts that accompany the emotion are not always pretty. (In fact, they’re usually downright mean, petty and vengeful) So what? They’re just thoughts. What’s important is that the envious feelings and bitter thoughts not become action. So, yes, you may feel like you want to throttle the friend with the shiny SUV and the successful husband and the three-month-old in the stroller. And yes, you may secretly wish that your sister miscarries so that her baby is not the first grandchild of the family. But as long as you don’t act on these fantasies, you are still a perfectly good person.

Now, most of us are not likely to act out our envy. We don’t typically throttle our friend-who-has-it-all. We don’t usually tell our sister that we hope she miscarries (and by the way, if she does lose the pregnancy, please remember that YOUR THOUGHTS DID NOT CAUSE IT!) Actually, our envy causes mostly self-inflicted injury. We carry guilt and shame about it. We grieve the “better person” we used to be. And so, we feel damaged and inadequate. Sadly, the last thing any TTC woman needs is one more item on her I’m-not-good-enough list.

Ultimately, there are ways to feel less envious (I will talk more about them later. For now, let me say that one way to reduce envy is to keep the focus on yourself and on what would make you less deprived or more hopeful). But the first step is to look at your feelings objectively and non-judgmentally, understand what they’re about, accept that they’re part of what makes you human, and then figure out how to cope with them. Poof!"

Thoughts

It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything on this blog! Is this one of those instances in which "no news is good news?" :) Perhaps :)

This weekend has gotten me waxing extremely philosophical. (Conference weekend tends to do that to me!) Thinking about my life - how can I improve? In what ways am I doing okay? Where am I struggling? What is one thing I can do right now to be better?

When people ask me how I am, I usually just say "good!" Or "doing well, thanks." But I really started thinking tonight, "What do I REALLY feel when people ask me?" I mean, really. What does "good" or "well" mean? Because to be honest, I never really feel "good" by any means that the world uses to define that word. And I certainly am not "well" - not in the physical sense. BUT ... I am happy. Despite my physical pains and illnesses, I am happy. So I think from now on, when people ask, "How are you?" I'm going to respond with "I'm happy, thanks!" It may catch some people off guard. But then again, maybe not.

A lot of the things that I struggle with are things that are out of my control - like health, for instance. While driving home from my mom's house tonight, Jeff and I were talking about my hormonal issues. We talked about how I have pregnancy symptoms almost all the time, yet I'm not pregnant. I almost always have a headache and I feel nauseas a good portion of each week. Then he said, "There are girls who get pregnant who don't even ever have these symptoms. Yet you can't get pregnant, and have them all the time." This time of year is hard on my body too - I feel the changing of the seasons in my "arthritic bones" and "fibromyalgic muscles." I wish I could do more. Don't get me wrong. I know that there are things that I CAN do. I am super pro-active about my sicknesses. I see doctors. I see naturopaths. I see nutritionists. I am continually reading up on the latest technologies, medical breakthroughs, and latest and greatest "miracle cures" that might bring me some sort of comfort and relief. I take vitamins and use essential oils and take medications that are recommended and prescribed to me. I watch what I eat. I try to not "run faster than I have strength." But I also know that most of the health things that I struggle with daily are things that are not going to go away. At least not any time in the near future. And I've slowly come to accept this fact over the years.

And ... in the midst of all of this, I feel an immense amount of PEACE. And I AM happy. I feel blessed. I don't have a lot to complain about. I have an amazing husband (amazing!) who is patient with me, who is kind and loving and understanding. He doesn't judge me. He kindly holds my hand throughout my daily physical struggles. He serves me and our baby without complaint. Our marriage is strong. It is built on the principles of love and trust and on the foundation of Christ. We have the most perfect and beautiful little baby boy in the entire world. He is a light in our lives and brings us an immesurable amount of JOY! I know that my Redeemer lives! I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and His son. I feel them in my life. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of the sealing ordinances of the temple. I have a knowledge that I will one day be reunited with loved ones who have passed on. And I know that I will one day be able to "run and not be weary and walk and not faint" - whether that promise comes in this life, or not.

So ... what do I have to be unhappy about?! I am a wonderfully blessed woman and I am full of gratitude to my Father in Heaven because of that. I may not be "good" or "well" (in the eyes of the world), but I am happy. And although I might not feel like this every moment of every day, I do feel it a good portion of the time. And tonight is one of those nights.

This time, you're playing for immunity

Last weekend, the Mr. and I drove up to a neighboring county at 6:00 in the morning, to stand in line and wait for the swine flu vaccine. But ... by the time we got there, the line was already over a mile long. That's right. You read that correctly over a MILE long. So, we didn't even bothering waiting. Which was a good thing. They only had 1700 vaccines at that clinic. And later estimated the line was over 5,000 people long. So ... on Tuesday morning, our very own county had a mass clinic. And we decided to try again. Here's what I wrote about on our personal blog later that day:

This morning, we once again set out to try for the H1N1 vaccine ... this time right here in our very own town. We dropped the baby off at Mimi's house (thanks, Mimi!) and then drove down to the public health clinic place. We got in line at about 5:45 am. It wasFREEZING cold. I told the Mr., "alright,next time there's a pandemic and we have to wait in line to get vaccinated in the middle of winter (because the weather today was just like winter), I'm going to come more prepared with blankets and a thermos full of hot chocolate!" Yeah, "next time" there's a pandemic. Right.

Anyway, they were going to open the doors at 8:00 am. And we got there just before 6:00. So two hours. In line. In the freezing cold. I'm glad I wasn't a pioneer. I don't think I could have made it.

Luckily we got there when we did because they're estimating that over 4,000 people showed up in the line! We were about 350 people back. So not bad. It was interesting to watch the police and crowd control trying to maneuver the line. At one point we almost saw a riot. Almost. But for the most part, people were really calm. Ahhh, "Happy Valley," 'tis why I love you so :)

We met some fun friends while waiting in line. The couple in front of us - they're having a baby in January. Well, technically she'shaving the baby, but you know what I mean. We told them that the waiting in line reminded us of when we waited for the Price is Right. Which, of course, turned into a "What?! You guys were on the show? And you actuallyWON THE SHOWCASE?!!" conversation. And, my trusty techno-savvy Mr. pulled out his phone and we ended up watching the entire episode of the show that we appeared on while waiting there. Nice. That killed at least 45 minutes.

We were SO happy by the time 8:30 rolled around and we made it INTO the doors of the building!! I'd never been so happy to have HEAT! And a bathroom! We filled out some paperwork, waited in more lines and then it was our turn ... finally ... at about 9:15.

3 1/2 hours of waiting in line. Just like Disneyland. Or the Price is Right. Only at the "end of the tunnel" instead of there being a light - or a fun ride - or a game show to be won - there wasonly a stab in the arm waiting to be had. But ... a stab that will hopefully be worth it so that our baby doesn't get sick.

Oh - on a side note, it was pretty funny (and sad ... am I horrible for thinking this is funny?) to just sit and listen once we got inside the building. It was noisy - full of CRYING kids!! Poor little things! The Mr. said, "This is like waiting in line for Santa Claus. You wait in line forever, then sit on someone's lap and cry!" Ha! That was my favorite quote of the entire day. So true!

Here's a news article link ... we were there ... in the midst of all that craziness ...

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=8463898

Obviously ...

...Obviously I haven't posted on this blog for a long time. A. Long. Time. And some of the very most exciting-est (I know that's not a word, and yes, I'm going to use it anyway) stuff of my life has happened in the months since I've posted.

The most exciting being ... that ...

Actually, I will save it for later ...

I will post more details soon ...

Stay tuned!

Rundown

Okay, so here's a rundown of the past 6 months ...

May

In May, our "Summer trip extravagaanza" began. For those who don't know, the Mr. and I appeared on a game show earlier this year and ended up winning ... the big prize at the end! Four trips!

So ... here's a little taste of where we went. Do these pics of the Mr. and me give the first trip away?

And here's another trip that started off the month - complete with yours truly participating in the "American Idol Experience" at Disneyworld in Florida. (I think it's been "our year!")

On the adoption front, the news we got in May wasn't as encouraging. On Wednesday, May 27th, I posted the following on our private family blog.

Today has been a discouraging day. I posted a status update on Facebook about this, but I have gotten messages from a couple of you saying that you'll be checking our blog for more in depth information. So I'm just going to go ahead and include the letter that we received today (with names blanked out for privacy's sake).

Thanks to all of you for your love and prayer and concerns. We love you.

Here's the email we got today:

Dear families, received an email from the Attorney. Things there have been moving slowly on the safety home and social worker side. We unfortunately have given them a deadline as to the movement of this adoption of June 1st. They still seem a bit suspicious about the whole thing there is a possibility of relatives around, but the social worker is dragging feet about the advertisement so this is why we have been a bit more forceful to get them to make a decision. It may be a possibility we will have to bring in a social worker from elsewhere. We will do all that we can. If for some reason this cannot happen with these children would you consider a referral? This is just in case. I have attached the letter wrote to the SH by the Attorney.

Dear Ms __________

I really do not know what to do.

When I spoke with you, it was agreed that there was a process that needed to be followed. You then suggested I speak to Ms _______, which I did.

Ms ______ confirmed that the first step would be to find out whether both children were adoptable. It seems that there was a rumour that the child/children could have extended family living in a neighbouring community.

Two options were discussed, one finding the family by physically going in to the community, the other, by advertising to see if anyone would come forward with information.

Ms _____ advised that the advertising costs were very high – each advertisement would cost over R1000 and this was a major problem for your organisation. I offered to seek assistance to pay those costs. I asked Ms _______ to find out exactly what the advertising amount would be.

I took care to explain that this did not mean that there were conditions attached to such payment – the advertising would purely be to find the children’s families, if they exist, with a view to helping the children reunify with their families if the families were able to suitably care for them, alternatively, if no family came forward, to approach the courts to see whether the children could be declared adoptable. The possibility of the family/families consenting to the possible adoptions of the children was also discussed.

My strong sense after the discussion I had with you and with Ms ______ was that we were all working together for finality for these children.

However, when our Ms ______ attmpted to follow-up and find out exactly what amount would be required so that we could pay for the newspaper advertisements, we were told not to interfere with the process and reference was made to our “forcing the issue”.

There are two options for these children: either no-one does anything to finalise their future and they stay right where they are for the remainder of their childhood, alternatively, we work together to give them the stability and security that they deserve. This may well be with their birth families, but until a proper investigation is done, it is impossible to tell.

We have decades of experience in working with children, heading up teams of social workers, paediatricians and counsellors through courts ranging from the local Children’s Courts to the Supreme Court of Appeal and to the Constitutional Court. We remain committed to ensuring that children’s best interests are served.

We have seen children thrive and flourish when placed within the nurture and care of a family environment, and steadfastly believe that every child deserves a family.

It is not fair to the two families, who have already spent years being screened from their side by their country’s authorities and who have been highly recommended as adoptive parents to continue pouring their hopes and dreams into a lifetime with these children.

It is even more unfair to the children themselves, as every week that goes by is time that needs to be made up.

If you have no intention of allowing these two children to find that security within a family and you insist on misconstruing everything that we are trying to do to find out what would be in these children’s best interests,please be gracious enough to let me know.

At that point, the families will have a decision to make – to either accept that you do not intend assisting these children in finding family care, alternatively, to instruct us to approach the highest authorities in our country to request that an investigation be conducted to find out what would be best for these two little people.

My offer to pay directly to the newspaper/s the costs involved in advertising for the families of these two children to come forward remains in place.

However, this whole saga cannot drag on indefinitely. You told us to wait until the beginning of May; it is now almost the end of May and we seem to have regressed rather than making any progress at all.

Please would you let us know by close of business on Monday 1 June 2009 whether or not you would like us to assist with the advertising costs and if so, the names of the newspapers and the costs involved.

My heartfelt prayer is that we, as professionals, can work together tosecure futures for these children that are bright with hope and promise.

Yours sincerely

MS __________________

PRESIDENT & FOUNDER

June

Well, the deadline of June 1st came and went with no word. Two days later, I posted the following update on our family blog, with the title, "I feel like I'm going to throw up."

Dear ________

Thank you for obtaining the letters from the families so quickly – I immediately forwarded them onto the email address that we have for the Safety Home, marked for the urgent attention of Ms ______and Ms ______. I also printed out the emails and those were faxed off to them under cover of a separate letter for each family.

I do not think Ms _______ had received those letters when she telephoned our offices an hour ago. She referred to the letter we had sent her insisting on some feedback (otherwise we would presume that they didn’t want us to try and assist these children).

She was so rampant and mad with me that I can only presume that she had just received that first letter (yes, the very one that we faxed, emailed, and again faxed and emailed yesterday). Her voice was shaking and she was close to tears. She was furious that we were “telling them what to do” and “chasing them up”. She told me that it was up to them as social workers to move the process forward and that they were busy with their “investigations”. She was unable to tell me one single thing that they had done. She was also cross about us offering to assist with the advertising costs – I told her that she herself had told me to speak to _____, that _____ was the one who told me that was the next step from her side but that the financial implications were ________ is a child protection organisation that has its own social worker, as she kept on referring to the “attorneys” in most derogatory terms, telling me that the placement of children was a matter that should only involve social workers and social development, not lawyers, and even when I gently reminded her several times, that the conversations she was referring to were the ones she personally had with me, as President of _______, she didn’t seem to get it.

I explained that the reason that I had gone back to her at the beginning of May was because she had told me to (that was a month after we had previously chatted), and that we were now in June a further month down the track and that it was clear that absolutely nothing had happened from their side… I pointed out to her, that in my experience, every day counted and that I woke up each morning with urgency for each child who could potentially be placed with a family. I reminded her that even if the children’s birth families were to come forward and be able to care for them, that we would all rejoice at that, but that in the absence of anyone doing anything to find those parents or to advertise for them, nothing was moving forward at all to secure the futures of these two children.

She told me that I had two options – to “leave the matter” (as in, walk away and leave the children right where they were) or alternatively, not to have any further contact with them and they in their own time would let us know what was happening.

I asked if we went with the second option whether she would be prepared to at least let us have interim updates on the situation and what was happening from their side, as obviously there were two families with expectations and also papers that were valid for a limited time period. She thought that was a preposterous idea and told me in no uncertain terms that she would not be prepared to provide us with any updates and that is was out of the question.

Towards the end of the conversation, she accused me of trying to “tell them what to do” and of “undermining the Home by not following due process” simply because they were a Black organisation. I had to take a deep breath as I explained to her that some of my very dearest friends are Black, that my life is devoted to helping Black children find families, that some of my honorary godchildren and families with whom we vacation are Black…

I did not feel that I had the right to “scupper” these two potential placements, so you will be pleased to know that I bit my tongue, agreed to everything she said, and told her I would advise you as the agency, who would in turn let the families know, and that I looked forward to hearing from her at some stage in the future!!!!!!!

There may well be further feedback from her once she has read the letters from the families, in which case, I will be sure to let you know straight away.

In the meantime, though, you are welcome to forward all or any part of this email to the families to give them strength for the wait…

With kind regards,

________

As you can imagine, this letter came as a shock and I was in tears because of it. At this point, we weren't sure what to do.

Then, on June 8th, we received the following letter:

Dear ________

I drove out to _______ Court early this morning to spend time with the Children’s Court Commissioner there before he went into Court – he was horrified to hear how things have been delayed…

I would like to send an email with the little information that we have on the children to the ______ Children’s Court Commissioner, asking her to please confirm that these children fall under her jurisdiction and further asking her to formally request, with time limits, proper information and a detailed report from the social worker so that we can ascertain whether these two children are adoptable. I will reiterate our offer to assist with the advertising costs.

You need to know that this is a risk. The Commissioner may refuse. Even if she agrees, it will in all likelihood burn bridges once and for all with the Director and social worker at the Home. The report that is provided (if it is standard) will not suffice for Hague purposes and we will need thereafter to get an additional social worker’s report filed to properly meet all requirements. That could also be difficult if the Home and its Director and Social worker refuse to co-operate.

Having said all that, I really do not think there is any other option for these families, and for these children.

Please would you confirm that I can go ahead and email the Court, with the request that they insist that an investigation is done so that the Children’s Court enquiry can be finalised, even though it is high risk?

I look forward to hearing from you.

With kind regards,

___________________

That same day I wrote on my blog, "Our friend (who is adopting a child from the same orphanage) had the idea to try one more time to reach out to the director of the orphanage before we approach the court. She wrote a very heart felt, humble and sincere letter that will hopefully soften her heart. I won't share the letter that she wrote, for privacy's sake. But the Mr. and I are also hoping and praying that this will work."