Please forgive me for getting personal for just a moment. I know that NOBODY leads a perfect life and everyone has challenges. (As my quote from Marjorie Hinckley says on my side bar ...) But tonight, I'm just not strong enough. My head is spinning and I think I need to write my thoughts down in order to have some sort of therapeutic relief. I'm having such a hard time looking through blogs of everyone and their cute families and their beautiful babies. Even though I am genuinely happy for the people that I love, and excited for their little miracles, tonight I'm having a hard time reading about all of the announcements of expectant mothers and first teeth and last days of preschool and kindergarten. Of first words and food aversions and even of "horror" stories of staying up all night with a crying or teething child. I feel like the Mr. and I are missing out on the most beautiful and wonderful gifts that life has to offer. And we can't do anything about it. The more we actively try to pursue having a family, the more our dreams seem to be put on hold. Obviously there are reasons. And most days I'm okay with it. In fact, most of the time, I feel pretty happy. But tonight I'm weak.
Tonight, simply put, I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm failing as a person. I feel like my talents just aren't as good as everyone else's. These days, anyone can pick up a camera and do photography. What makes me think I am special? And don't even get me started with music. I know that so many people are hundreds more times talented than me and I've started to resign to the fact that I'm just not special and never really will be. I wish I was eloquent with words and could inspire people with my blog like so many others have done. But I'm not and I can't. And then there's the whole mother thing. As much as we want and beg and plead with the Lord to bring us babies, it's not happening. For years. It's just not happening.
I know that people, in response to this post, will write and say things like "It will happen. It will happen for you guys." And "you'll probably end up with a house full of kids, just you wait." And I know that it will happen. Our time to be parents will come. It will. I have hope in that and I don't think I can ever lose hope in that. But just for tonight, I'm feeling so left out of life. I'm having vivid nightmares of those days when I was a kid and was the last to be picked for the kickball team or when playing "Red Rover" no one would ask to send Cristi right over. I feel like life is going on, circling on, around me. And I'm just stuck. Left out of the fun and the joy and laughter.
I know what the solution is. And I need to come closer to my Heavenly Father. Only He can dry my tears and only He can lift me to greater heights. And really, I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not special in the eyes of the world. Or in the eyes of my friends. Or in the eyes of the blogging community. Or the eyes of mothers in the park. I know that I am special in the eyes of my Father in Heaven. I know that He loves me. And I know that my husband loves me.
I am not one to ask for people to pray for me. I never have been. But we feel it so important to ask for the prayers and love of our friends and family during this time in the adoption of this little boy from Africa. If you have read my former posts, you will know why. If you would like to join us in prayer, in fasting, we would be so eternally grateful.
I know that the feelings I'm having tonight will pass. In fact, most likely, by tomorrow I'll be back to feeling like myself - happy, blessed and full of gratitude. And ... I should write on my blog MORE during those times. It seems like lately, I'm only posting when things are down. I need to recognize the hand of the Lord in my life more and post our day to day blessings and miracles too.
I just had the quote pop into my head from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland from last General Conference. In talking about the death of his beloved wife, an infant daughter, and a young son, he said, "I've never asked 'why', but rather 'what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience?' I think that's a good way to face the unpleasant things in our life - not complaining, but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties."
Okay, "self." Now I definitely know what I need to work on!
Thank you for letting me vent and ramble tonight. I feel much better already! :)
Tonight, simply put, I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm failing as a person. I feel like my talents just aren't as good as everyone else's. These days, anyone can pick up a camera and do photography. What makes me think I am special? And don't even get me started with music. I know that so many people are hundreds more times talented than me and I've started to resign to the fact that I'm just not special and never really will be. I wish I was eloquent with words and could inspire people with my blog like so many others have done. But I'm not and I can't. And then there's the whole mother thing. As much as we want and beg and plead with the Lord to bring us babies, it's not happening. For years. It's just not happening.
I know that people, in response to this post, will write and say things like "It will happen. It will happen for you guys." And "you'll probably end up with a house full of kids, just you wait." And I know that it will happen. Our time to be parents will come. It will. I have hope in that and I don't think I can ever lose hope in that. But just for tonight, I'm feeling so left out of life. I'm having vivid nightmares of those days when I was a kid and was the last to be picked for the kickball team or when playing "Red Rover" no one would ask to send Cristi right over. I feel like life is going on, circling on, around me. And I'm just stuck. Left out of the fun and the joy and laughter.
I know what the solution is. And I need to come closer to my Heavenly Father. Only He can dry my tears and only He can lift me to greater heights. And really, I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not special in the eyes of the world. Or in the eyes of my friends. Or in the eyes of the blogging community. Or the eyes of mothers in the park. I know that I am special in the eyes of my Father in Heaven. I know that He loves me. And I know that my husband loves me.
I am not one to ask for people to pray for me. I never have been. But we feel it so important to ask for the prayers and love of our friends and family during this time in the adoption of this little boy from Africa. If you have read my former posts, you will know why. If you would like to join us in prayer, in fasting, we would be so eternally grateful.
I know that the feelings I'm having tonight will pass. In fact, most likely, by tomorrow I'll be back to feeling like myself - happy, blessed and full of gratitude. And ... I should write on my blog MORE during those times. It seems like lately, I'm only posting when things are down. I need to recognize the hand of the Lord in my life more and post our day to day blessings and miracles too.
I just had the quote pop into my head from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland from last General Conference. In talking about the death of his beloved wife, an infant daughter, and a young son, he said, "I've never asked 'why', but rather 'what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience?' I think that's a good way to face the unpleasant things in our life - not complaining, but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties."
Okay, "self." Now I definitely know what I need to work on!
Thank you for letting me vent and ramble tonight. I feel much better already! :)
