things you wish you could tell people about infertility

Tonight I came across this on the blog of another couple that is trying to adopt. I thought it was really interesting. And although she comes across as a little abrupt for my personal taste, a lot of things I do agree with and can truly relate to. Especially the part about still struggling with the pain associated with infertility as we wait to adopt. That doesn't really go away. So I thought I'd share this woman's post. I'm going to change the names for anonymity's sake...

She writes,

"Dealing with infertility has most definitely been the hardest thing for John and I to endure. As we wait to adopt, we still struggle with the pain associated with infertility and that may never go away. I write this to simply share my thoughts and experiences, not to offend anybody.

My sister Julie sent me this list called "Things We Wish We Could Tell People About Infertility," along with this amazing music video called "I would die for that." She is pregnant right now, and she has voiced to me how grateful she is to be blessed with children. She has been humbled by my struggle with infertility and has told me how my experience has affected her pregnancy. Her sharing those feelings with me has touched me in such a way she will never realize. We are in the same stage of life but on different ends of the spectrum. She is pregnant with her 3rd and it has always been easy for her to get pregnant. I have struggled for 7 long years with nothing to show for it. Although she doesn't know what it's like to suffer from infertility, she, along with the rest of my family has helped John and I carry this burden.

There have been many people along the way who have said things to us that was probably never meant to hurt our feelings, but in a way did. I took it in stride but I always wished there was a way to let them know how I truly felt, but never knew what to say. Here are a few examples and what I wished I could say.

1. Pregnant people have told me "You're so lucky you don't have to go through this."

My Response: I would go through morning sickness, swollen hands, feet and legs, constant backaches and whatever else it takes. I would do anything to be in your shoes and to become pregnant. Don't complain to me about the blessing you have been given. You are the lucky one.

2. People have asked me this question when their kids are misbehaving. "Are you sure you want kids? They can be such a pain sometimes"

My response: If I didn't want kids I wouldn't have gone through all the expensive medical treatments, Dr.'s visits, and procedures to find out that they didn't work. I wouldn't have spent 6 months filling out piles of paperwork, jumping through so many hoops, and feeling like I have to be perfect just to qualify for adoption, then be willing to wait for who knows how long to be picked by a birth mother who deems me good enough to raise her child.

3. "You'll get pregnant after you adopt"

My response: Although there are so many instances where that has happened, you can't assume it will happen to me. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I have accepted my infertility and am confident that adoption is the path best for us. I will love that child more than anything, but at the same time I can still long to have experienced life inside me. That will never change.

4. "Once you stop trying it will happen. You just need to relax."

My response: If I can't get pregnant with fertility pills and other medical procedures, what makes you think that "not trying" or "relaxing" will do any better. Infertility is a medical condition that many people suffer with. Relaxing won't help infertility just as it won't help cure cancer or any other disease."


I have to admit that some of these things have crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I'm far from perfect. :)

I also know that 9 times out of 10 (maybe 9 1/2, even), people are just trying to help and be reassuring and calming. So I most often just brush it off.

But still, after all these years. After everything we've been through. I would LOVE to experience the joy of carrying a life inside of ME. Even though we are adopting. That pain and longing for our own pregnancy may never go away.

And, sometimes, I don't want people to say, "Keep the faith." Or, "Chin up!" Because I already know to do those things. And 99% of the time, I think I do a pretty good job of it. But ... every once in awhile ... in those fleeting glimpses of times ... I just need someone to wrap their arms around me (even their virtual "arms" through a response in the computer) and say, "I'm so sorry." Just that. Those simple words.

It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. But I am feeling sorrow. And it will pass. Give me a moment. Or two. And it will pass. But in the meantime, could you please just put your virtual arms around me and tell me that you love me?