Thoughts

It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything on this blog! Is this one of those instances in which "no news is good news?" :) Perhaps :)

This weekend has gotten me waxing extremely philosophical. (Conference weekend tends to do that to me!) Thinking about my life - how can I improve? In what ways am I doing okay? Where am I struggling? What is one thing I can do right now to be better?

When people ask me how I am, I usually just say "good!" Or "doing well, thanks." But I really started thinking tonight, "What do I REALLY feel when people ask me?" I mean, really. What does "good" or "well" mean? Because to be honest, I never really feel "good" by any means that the world uses to define that word. And I certainly am not "well" - not in the physical sense. BUT ... I am happy. Despite my physical pains and illnesses, I am happy. So I think from now on, when people ask, "How are you?" I'm going to respond with "I'm happy, thanks!" It may catch some people off guard. But then again, maybe not.

A lot of the things that I struggle with are things that are out of my control - like health, for instance. While driving home from my mom's house tonight, Jeff and I were talking about my hormonal issues. We talked about how I have pregnancy symptoms almost all the time, yet I'm not pregnant. I almost always have a headache and I feel nauseas a good portion of each week. Then he said, "There are girls who get pregnant who don't even ever have these symptoms. Yet you can't get pregnant, and have them all the time." This time of year is hard on my body too - I feel the changing of the seasons in my "arthritic bones" and "fibromyalgic muscles." I wish I could do more. Don't get me wrong. I know that there are things that I CAN do. I am super pro-active about my sicknesses. I see doctors. I see naturopaths. I see nutritionists. I am continually reading up on the latest technologies, medical breakthroughs, and latest and greatest "miracle cures" that might bring me some sort of comfort and relief. I take vitamins and use essential oils and take medications that are recommended and prescribed to me. I watch what I eat. I try to not "run faster than I have strength." But I also know that most of the health things that I struggle with daily are things that are not going to go away. At least not any time in the near future. And I've slowly come to accept this fact over the years.

And ... in the midst of all of this, I feel an immense amount of PEACE. And I AM happy. I feel blessed. I don't have a lot to complain about. I have an amazing husband (amazing!) who is patient with me, who is kind and loving and understanding. He doesn't judge me. He kindly holds my hand throughout my daily physical struggles. He serves me and our baby without complaint. Our marriage is strong. It is built on the principles of love and trust and on the foundation of Christ. We have the most perfect and beautiful little baby boy in the entire world. He is a light in our lives and brings us an immesurable amount of JOY! I know that my Redeemer lives! I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and His son. I feel them in my life. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of the sealing ordinances of the temple. I have a knowledge that I will one day be reunited with loved ones who have passed on. And I know that I will one day be able to "run and not be weary and walk and not faint" - whether that promise comes in this life, or not.

So ... what do I have to be unhappy about?! I am a wonderfully blessed woman and I am full of gratitude to my Father in Heaven because of that. I may not be "good" or "well" (in the eyes of the world), but I am happy. And although I might not feel like this every moment of every day, I do feel it a good portion of the time. And tonight is one of those nights.