Sometimes I feel like I'm not very good at saying "I can't." There are a number of different reasons why I don't like uttering those words. I don't like people to know how much I really am hurting. I don't want to make myself so vulnerable. Because most times people don't know how to be empathetic. Or even sympathetic for that matter. I don't like people looking at me and thinking that I'm weak. And most of all, I don't want to be a complainer. I don't like to be looked at as anything other than positive and happy.
But this weekend, I've said, "I can't" quite a lot. Even if just to myself. I've had a tough time. And I think I'll continue to have a rough time until I get my new shots and/or the weather stabilizes.
I do a really good job of hiding my illnesses. Of pretending like I feel good most of the time. When, truth be told, there hasn't been a day in my life when I've felt 100% - or even 90% - for 10 or 11 years. But people look at me, and because my diseases are "silent illnesses," they see a young, vibrant woman, who seems to have it all together. But I'm here to tell you that most times, I feel like everything is falling apart.
I know these feelings are temporary. They're fleeting thoughts that come when I have a flare-up of my RA. When it gets really bad like this, and I can barely move - or sit for that matter - feelings that I've supressed for months, and even years, come bubbling up to the surface with full force. And they most often times come spilling out as tears. Lots of tears.
I'm really happy to have started this new blog. This is designed to help me get my thoughts about being sick down on paper. And to try and find other people out there in the blogosphere whom I can connect with - fellow sufferers of chronic illnesses.
Anyway, these are my thoughts. And this weekend has been a weekend of feeling like "I can't" and admitting that. However, it's also in these times of "I can't," that I realize that my Savior can. I feel like I can't handle the pain. But He can swallow it up and wrap His arms around me. I feel like I can't hold my life together. But He can. I feel like I can't help but let people around me down. But He can lift them up. I feel like I can't get the support I need. But He can give me support, love and comfort.
I'm thankful for my Savior. For the atonement. And I'm thankful for Jeff. Without these two people, I don't know how I could ever manage in this life. I DO have a support system - an unconditional, loving network of people around me. I guess I just need to let these people in. Let them help me. And let them do the work. When I can't.
